The Twelve Days of Hell

I never really liked the Christmas carol “Twelve Days of Christmas”. It was for a couple of reasons, tediousness being one of them. But after “doing the math” I figured out the most glaring one to date. I shall elaborate with an updated version, thusly.

By Christmas my true love gave me, Hell on earth by sending a total of:

12 drummers drumming.

22 pipers piping.

30 lords a-leaping.

36 ladies dancing.

40 maids a-milking… with dairy cows.

42 swans a-swimming… ponds included.

42 geese a-laying, along with their 42 nests.

40 golden rings.

36 calling birds, with 36 cages.

30 French hens, with 30 gages.

22 turtle doves, and yes, with 22 cages.

12 partridges in, you got it, 12 pear trees.

And as a result I also got…

13 police a-rresting. For 8 counts of receiving stolen jewelry and 48 continuous hours of noise ordinance violations due to the drummers drumming and pipers piping. They let me slide on the noise from the birds and cows.

140 SAG, Musicians’ and Dairyman’s Unions attorneys a-suing, after I threw bail. 1 for each lady dancing, piper piping, lord a-leaping, drummer drumming and maid a-milking.

224 PETA members a-protesting. 1 for each bird and cow, with a promise for more with any geese that hatch.

1 visit each from Code Enforcement concerning the 42 ponds, and from the Livestock Bureau concerning the 40 head of cattle.

But really, Merry Christmas and 73.

Copyrighted by the actual person using the “Palomar Jack” moniker on the website If you use this in an email or other website, just include this disclaimer. That’s all. That way they’ll come and visit my two cool web logs!



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